Debunking the myth: Why being gay is not a choice
29 April 2023
There has been a long-standing debate in society about whether people choose to be gay or if it's simply something they are born with. Some people believe that individuals choose to be gay to gain attention or to be part of a popular trend.
However, the reality is that being gay comes with many challenges, including enduring self-hatred, discrimination from society, and even discrimination from within the gay community itself. It is important to understand that being gay is not a learned behaviour.
"In Malaysia, for example, there is no opportunity to learn about same-sex attraction during childhood. Therefore, it is illogical to think that people "learn" to be gay," stated Liow Jun Wei, who graduated with a Master of Professional Counselling from Monash University Malaysia in 2021. Currently pursuing his PhD at The University of Hong Kong, Liow proposed a Systemic Interaction Model (SIM) that explains the continuous process of gay men discovering and refining their self-concept.
Liow's study involved 36 Malaysian gay males of varying ethnicities and religious affiliations who were interviewed to explore sexual identity development. The study found that internal and external barriers could block identity development through self-suppression. In contrast, internal and external facilitators could promote identity development through self-acceptance. The results highlight the importance of creating safe and supportive environments for gay men to explore and develop their sexual identity.
The study also provides a window into the differences between Western and Malaysian gay models. Growing up in a place where 18-year-olds get off the house and live independently versus Asians living with family members to pool resources creates a distinct difference for gay males living in a strong-ties society versus a weak-ties society. The degree of freedom to be individuated from their family of origin and emphasis on filial piety are also factors to consider when gay male find their identity in Malaysia.
Associate Professor Rachel Ting Sing Kiat from the Jeffrey Cheah School of Medicine and Health Sciences (Liow’s thesis supervisor) stated that the stages of SIM are similar to the Western model but unique due to cultural context. Some interviewees were accepted by their families, while others hid their identities to protect their families' reputations. "For many gay men, social acceptance of their intersected identities is the ultimate goal, without going against social norms. The public should not stigmatise or exclude them, especially in adolescence, which can harm their mental health as suicide rates are high among Asian gay men. Knowing their stage of development can help counsellors, and family members support them without imposing unrealistic expectations," she shared.
Parents remain very important to gay men in Malaysia. They see coming out as essential to being a completely authentic gay man. In contrast to Western societies, Malaysian gay men socialise their partners into their existing nuclear family to form a larger family unit rather than building a new nuclear family. It is essential to understand that gay men come out because of guilt and self-congruence, not because they want to attract attention or fame. The stigma surrounding homosexuality does not make individuals behave better; it only exacerbates the situation.
According to Liow, to support the acceptance and integration of the LGBT+ community in Malaysia, policymakers should destigmatise laws against same-sex sexual behaviour and stop wasting money on conversion therapy. Negative social attitudes towards gay people in Malaysia only worsen the situation and cause a brain drain of highly skilled individuals who seek acceptance elsewhere. Instead, valuing everyone as equals and treasuring the LGBT+ community as important members of society would allow them to channel their attention towards bringing greater achievements for Malaysia.
"It is important to recognise that homosexuality is not an illness. Attempts to convert individuals through therapy have proven ineffective and damaging to mental health. By creating a more inclusive environment, Malaysia can move towards a future where all individuals are accepted and valued regardless of their sexual orientation," Liow stated.
In conclusion, supportive environments are crucial for the mental health and wellbeing of gay men. Seeking therapy, building social support, supporting gay students, and creating policies that value and accept gay individuals are significant steps towards creating a better society. It's time to recognise the importance of peaceful activism, embrace our differences, and create a world where everyone can thrive.
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